In August of 2004 while Bob and i were running the room, he sent me a private message. "Hey Jay,I'll see you down here next month" Nope Bob" i replied, the barbeque is the month after." Bob said, "i'm not talking about the barbeque, i'm talking about the race. "Bob， like i am, is an avid NASCAR fan, and has his computer room filled with memorabilia. We just have a slight difference. His favorite driver is Dale J r. and mine is Jeff Gordon. It makes for good fun kidding with each other about it.
That year NASCAR was holding the inaugural Pop Secret 500 at the Auto Club
Speedway in Fontana, California, just a 20 minute drive from Bob's house. It would also be the track's very frrst night race. "I'd like to, Bob, but i can't afford that right now.Bob said to me, "You don't need to worry about what it costs. I've already bought your ticket, and you aren't going to have to drive either, i've made plane reservations.If you need to go anywhere, you can use my car." "Geez" i said to Bob, "That is a lot of money， Bob told me, "You don't need to worry about that， it is well within my budget. Besides, i came back allead when i went to Las Vegas a couple weeks ago so i just want to share my good luck with you. Also, you haven't been to a big track yet and it would be my honor to take you. And you'll be doing me a favor too. Bring your handicap parking placard so we can park close to the track." Bob was right about
one thing. When i was a NASCAR driver it was at the hometown short track and i had never been at a super speedway. And though it was a small contribution，the privilege of handicap parking i could provide made me feel better about things, so i agreed to come.
Thursday morning i had Mike drive me to the airport. Then the fun started. At
the airport, i had TSA jumping through hoops. They want you to remove your shoes from stylishplus while going through the metal detector but i informed them that i couldn't do this, my shoes were part of my prosthetics. So they had me walk through the detector anyway,then took me into a private room out of public view and gave me a special screening,They kept apologizing for having to do this, but i told them it was ok, 1 didn't mind because it meant they were doing what they had to so the flight would be safe for everyone.
The flight was uneventful and took less than an hour. Wow, even though i like to drive, it sure was better than the 6 hours it took to get there by car. Bob's son Joe picked me up at the airport. He took me to Bob's and let me in. Bob and Janice were at work, and Joe needed to get going to meet up with friends and told me, "You know where everything is, make yourself at home and we'll see you later." i raided the refrigerator and fixed a small snack, went and turned on the tv and feJl asleep for a bit. There's that nap thing again. Don't you have some memories to look at or something else to do? Hey, i haven't bugged you in a while, it was about time.
Janice got home before Bob. She asked how the flight was, we visited for a bit,then she went puttering about the house. Bob arrived a short time later, and when he asked me how the flight was, i told him i felt like i was in a re-run. "Huh?" Bob said. i told him that was the first thing Janice had asked me also. We laughed, then i told him to tell me about winning in Las Vegas. Bob said it was on a $3.00 keno bet. He had picked 6 numbers, and all 6 numbers came up. His payoff for the $3.00 was $7,500.00. Wow! That was huge. "Yep" Bob said, "and one of the numbers was your take us back, but i was already out of the seat and told Ronno, but thanks anyway for letting me get behind the wheel of a big rig once again. Ron deserves the Medal of Honor for bravely about and beyond the call of duty. Shouldn't you be inspecing somr nerve receptor cells or something? I'm on break. You're always on break.
We got two more special treats at the barbeque that year,Lili's screen name is Iluv2bake2 ，and true to the name she does love to bake. Lili made an assortment of desserts for us, induding a birthday cake for Bob and Elton. Elton was a date that Ann, one of the music room members brought along. Bob and Elton's birthdays came close enough to the barbeque that we celebrated them at the event also.
The other treat we got was watching Elton pelform magic tricks. He was a professional magician and gave us all a great show. There was no professional karaoke dj at the barbeque that year.i rented the equipment and Bob and i dj'd the event ourselves. We even set up a webcam so the people that couldn't attend could watch us. It was as much fun if not more than the first barbeque，and we decided we would do it one more time. Uh.. ...... can we, Janice?
"Ok, but one more is all you get Janice growled. Bob and i smiled at each other, "Yesssss! ! !"
VRRROOOOOOOOOOMMM!!
Left In The Dark
It's New Year's Day, Sunday January 1st, 2006. A little before 6:30 pm i am sitting at my computer doing uh...... computer stuff and Mike is in the living room watching football. Mike is from Texas and his team, the Dallas
Cowboys,stylishplus, is playing the St. Louis Rams. All of a sudden, blink, the screen goes dark and the lights go out. From the living room I hear a string of obscenities. Mike's an avid football fan and he doesn't like interruptions, especiaUy when his team is playing. A storm here had caused the power outage, or so we thought.
A couple hours later we hear the sound of large trucks outside. It's the power company and they can't find the source of the outage because it also took out their display grid in the control room. So they are manual1y checking power poles. i looked out the back door and saw what appeared to be a downed power line. i showed Mike and he said we should tell the power company workers about it. We went out front and brought one of the workers through the house and showed him. He went running back out front and the crew got in the truck and sped off.
After a bit the crew returned and the one we showed the power line to came up
and told us it was an optica1 illusion. From the angle we had out the back door the line appeared to have fallen, but from another angle it was ok. Aw rats, we thought we had saved the day: i said to Mike that things could have been worse. "How is that?" he asked. i said, "This cou1d be August instead of January and it would be one hundred and ten degrees out with no air conditioning." It was an optimistic view in an unfortunate situation. Mike thought about this for a second and then shook his head and went, "Naahhhhhhhhhh! and walked away. Mike's not one to try and see the good side of things. Oh well, too dark to do anything and no battery operated radio to listen to, so it was off to bed.
There was no power all through the next day. In fact it wasn't restored till a little after 9:00 am on Tuesday morning, just over thirty eight and a half hours later. i rebooted my computer and got online. Des had the day off and saw me come online and wondered what i had been up to since she hadn't seen me for a couple days. i told her there had been a power outage here and we had no electricity. Then as i was looking at the screen, i couldn't believe the words i was reading. Des had typed, "So has your power come back on yet? Uh. . . . . .let me guess,Des is blonde? Hey now,no blonde jokes. i typed back to Des, "Uh.......duhhhhhhhhh." She started laughing and said after she saw it that she couldn't believe she had typed it herself. i just laughed and told her I'd
talk to her later. By the way, yep, Des is blonde. I knew it! Oh shut up!
Any way， we found out the storm isn't what had caused the power outage, failing equipment in a substation on the outskirts of town had been the culprit. Oh well, if this was the worst that was going to happen, then it wouldn't be such a bad year. All of a sudden there's another string ofobscenities pouüng out from .Mike in the living room. He had got online and was checking scores，the Rams had beaten the Cowboys. i chuckled, but to myself, Mike was mad enough already: If this was a sign of things to come， Mike wasn't going to have a very good year. yep, you could say he was off to a rocky start. For once i'11 agree with you.
Cowboys,stylishplus, is playing the St. Louis Rams. All of a sudden, blink, the screen goes dark and the lights go out. From the living room I hear a string of obscenities. Mike's an avid football fan and he doesn't like interruptions, especiaUy when his team is playing. A storm here had caused the power outage, or so we thought.
A couple hours later we hear the sound of large trucks outside. It's the power company and they can't find the source of the outage because it also took out their display grid in the control room. So they are manual1y checking power poles. i looked out the back door and saw what appeared to be a downed power line. i showed Mike and he said we should tell the power company workers about it. We went out front and brought one of the workers through the house and showed him. He went running back out front and the crew got in the truck and sped off.
After a bit the crew returned and the one we showed the power line to came up
and told us it was an optica1 illusion. From the angle we had out the back door the line appeared to have fallen, but from another angle it was ok. Aw rats, we thought we had saved the day: i said to Mike that things could have been worse. "How is that?" he asked. i said, "This cou1d be August instead of January and it would be one hundred and ten degrees out with no air conditioning." It was an optimistic view in an unfortunate situation. Mike thought about this for a second and then shook his head and went, "Naahhhhhhhhhh! and walked away. Mike's not one to try and see the good side of things. Oh well, too dark to do anything and no battery operated radio to listen to, so it was off to bed.
There was no power all through the next day. In fact it wasn't restored till a little after 9:00 am on Tuesday morning, just over thirty eight and a half hours later. i rebooted my computer and got online. Des had the day off and saw me come online and wondered what i had been up to since she hadn't seen me for a couple days. i told her there had been a power outage here and we had no electricity. Then as i was looking at the screen, i couldn't believe the words i was reading. Des had typed, "So has your power come back on yet? Uh. . . . . .let me guess,Des is blonde? Hey now,no blonde jokes. i typed back to Des, "Uh.......duhhhhhhhhh." She started laughing and said after she saw it that she couldn't believe she had typed it herself. i just laughed and told her I'd
talk to her later. By the way, yep, Des is blonde. I knew it! Oh shut up!
Any way， we found out the storm isn't what had caused the power outage, failing equipment in a substation on the outskirts of town had been the culprit. Oh well, if this was the worst that was going to happen, then it wouldn't be such a bad year. All of a sudden there's another string ofobscenities pouüng out from .Mike in the living room. He had got online and was checking scores，the Rams had beaten the Cowboys. i chuckled, but to myself, Mike was mad enough already: If this was a sign of things to come， Mike wasn't going to have a very good year. yep, you could say he was off to a rocky start. For once i'11 agree with you.
A Letter Of Discontent Never Sent
The last eight months living with Mike were a11 but unbearable. i had intentions of moving, but was forced to relocate sooner than i expected. i wrote the following letter to Mike, but never sent it. They say it is thcrapcutic to just write a letter to someone whom you are discontent with and then not send it. Writing the letter gets things off your chest. However, I included it here in my story for two reasons. It lets you know the living hell 1 had to put up with and， sould the book be read by enough people, fulfills the promise i made in the last line. Here is the letter:
Mike;
First let me say that i do appreciate everything you have ever done. i have a car with decent creature comforts, but you financed it at four percent, so you made money on that which means you were doing yourself a favor. And since yOll don't have a banking license, I'm pretty sure it was illegal. You taught me a lot about the computer and got me my start on the internet, but you took advantage of my technical naivety and sold me a llsed computer that was worth no more 由at two hundred dollars for seven hundred dollars. You sold me a used printer d1at was worth about fifty dollars for two hundred dollars. And you sold me a used computer desk for fifty dollars that was worth no more than twenty dollars. It was my falùt for being uninformed as to the equipment's true value, but shame on you for taking advantage and ripping me off, all the while calling me your friend. You maintained my website which everyone said was great and i had always given you credit for it when someone tallced about it. But you changed things as you saw fit without asking my permission. Then after i moved out you hacked the site and destroyed it. And you sent me coundess songs whenever i asked for one although you chose to ignore the last song i asked for. In fact, you didn't
even acknowledge that you received the email. But a sister in Christ, Jeri, is a radio dj with access to over 800,000 songs and told me she could send me whatever i wanted. The first four years there were pretty good. You kept the yard up, and things were livable.But You've changed. You've become lazy.There are things around there that need attention, bllt you sit at your computer all day playing Freecell. When i asked you if you would like to try another computer game called Taipei which is a version of Mall Jong, you said it was nothing but a time waster. Oh, and Freecell isn't a time waster? The yard has become so overgrown and trashy that the neighborhood uses it as a dump. You call yourself a good mechanic, but you are not. A good mechanic fmishes whatever he starts on, and cleans up after himself. You have never fll1ished anything. You tear stuff apart, and that's as far as it ever gets. You bought all the parts needed to make a
HotRod. You sandblasted 出e frame and that's as far as it got . You were going to CllStomize the dash on the Caballero and replace the lights with gauges.
Mike;
First let me say that i do appreciate everything you have ever done. i have a car with decent creature comforts, but you financed it at four percent, so you made money on that which means you were doing yourself a favor. And since yOll don't have a banking license, I'm pretty sure it was illegal. You taught me a lot about the computer and got me my start on the internet, but you took advantage of my technical naivety and sold me a llsed computer that was worth no more 由at two hundred dollars for seven hundred dollars. You sold me a used printer d1at was worth about fifty dollars for two hundred dollars. And you sold me a used computer desk for fifty dollars that was worth no more than twenty dollars. It was my falùt for being uninformed as to the equipment's true value, but shame on you for taking advantage and ripping me off, all the while calling me your friend. You maintained my website which everyone said was great and i had always given you credit for it when someone tallced about it. But you changed things as you saw fit without asking my permission. Then after i moved out you hacked the site and destroyed it. And you sent me coundess songs whenever i asked for one although you chose to ignore the last song i asked for. In fact, you didn't
even acknowledge that you received the email. But a sister in Christ, Jeri, is a radio dj with access to over 800,000 songs and told me she could send me whatever i wanted. The first four years there were pretty good. You kept the yard up, and things were livable.But You've changed. You've become lazy.There are things around there that need attention, bllt you sit at your computer all day playing Freecell. When i asked you if you would like to try another computer game called Taipei which is a version of Mall Jong, you said it was nothing but a time waster. Oh, and Freecell isn't a time waster? The yard has become so overgrown and trashy that the neighborhood uses it as a dump. You call yourself a good mechanic, but you are not. A good mechanic fmishes whatever he starts on, and cleans up after himself. You have never fll1ished anything. You tear stuff apart, and that's as far as it ever gets. You bought all the parts needed to make a
HotRod. You sandblasted 出e frame and that's as far as it got . You were going to CllStomize the dash on the Caballero and replace the lights with gauges.
Want to Leave a Smaller Footprint?
WEAR SMALLER SHOES in the shoe store. Yes, it's a lame joke, but it's the
lame joke that gives this book its title. With all of the
interest we see these days in saving energy and resources, and
all of that talk about one's "carbon footprint" and "going green,"
few people point out the obvious: it works out best if you get by
with less. And that's what this book is all about: it's about living
your life using less energy and fewer resources, without adding
more of both to get by with less. Does that make sense to you?
It sure does to me.
So welcome to the world of living small. It has nothing to do
with height, although, yes, 1 am short, and everything to do with
leading a life of less conspicuous (and sometimes not so conspicuous)
consumption. You need to know this right up front,
though: This is not about sitting there all alone in a damp cardboard
box, reading someone else's discarded magazines by the
flickering light of an earwax candle. (And does that paint a dismal
picture or what?) This is about living your life as you live it
right now, but living it using just a little bit less. That's all I ask.
Yes, you are going to save some serious coin if you do even
a few of the things in this book. It would probab1y take very few
changes in your life to save the price of this book every month.
With a little more effort you might possibly save the price of this
book every week. Dare we hope for saving the price of the book
every day? A daunting task, but who am 1 to rule it out? For
many of us (yes, even me) , savings are first measured by the
money saved, and 1 don't have a problem with that. Money saved
represents both energy and resources saved, and that really is an
excellent way to track your progress.
This book is not about adding more things to your already
fulllife. It's not about having to rush right out and purchase all
the latest and greatest technology, all those wild and wonderful
gadgets - in other words, buying a lot to save a little. Modern
technology is a wonderful thing, but all of that modern technology
takes both power and resources to build, install and run.
(And, yes, to throw it away when it wears out.) This is not about
that at all. This is about the opposite of that. This is about leading
a simpler life. Your life, but simpler. This is more about planting
trees than having to cut those trees down to make room for your
new solar panels. AIso, 1 see no reason to go into debt to save
money. That seems somewhat counterproductive, doesn't it?
And you paid cash for this book, right? If not, we need to talk.
Chances are you can live your life as you're living 让right
now, but use less to get it all done. You can use less power and
water around the house, and use less fuel when you travel. You
can spend less, and still keep your routine. All you need is a
green routine. It takes surprisingly little effort to make a few
changes that will, over time, save you quite a bit of energy, resources
and, yes, money. These are things that take no more time or effort to do, but pay off in the long run because you 're using less as you do things just a little bit differently. And using less is better, right? Absolutely.
I'm not going to send you off to other books or web sites.
You need not write for additional information. These are all easy
things, simple changes, and they are all spelled out right here in
this book. This is it: this is your blueprint for a simpler life and
for saving yourself a bundle of time, energy and money. You can
have your life and save it, too.
Ah, but what about me? How small are my flat shoes? 1 usually
wear about a size 61h or so, but you also need to know that, yes,
1 really do all the things l've written about in this book. This
is my small life as 1 lead it these days, but l'm not doing this
all alone. The lovely }oAnn, my wonderful wife of over twenty
years, is just as zealous about living the smalllife (la vida teenie?)
as 1 am, and she handles our extensive recycling arrangements
with tremendous enthusiasm. And, yes, if you must know, she also wears
smaller shoes.
i ride my bicycle to work,just as my wife both rides and
walks to do much of what she does throughout her day. 飞Ne
also walk and ride for fun and exercise, but bicycles and
foot power get us many of the places we need to go on a
daily basis. That's not to say we don't drive. We do, we just try to not drive everywhere and are always on the lookout for new places to not drive to. Walkingout to dinner is a fun night out for us. (We're just a couple
of crazy wild kids, aren't we?) My best friend called me a reen
freak" a while back, but 1 don't really see it like that. These are
just things we do - sensible changes we have made over time
to live our lives the way we want to, and to save us time, energy,
and money along the way. We still spend the money we save, but
we spend it on things that are more fun. Paying the power bill is
not fun. The less 1 have to pay there, the better.
You also need to know that we do not live all alone out in
a cabin in the woods. We live in a perfectly normal house in
the middle of suburbia. Our house looks like every other house
around here. Well, mostly. There are those two green metal frogs
bolted to the outside walls, and the two big carved Tiki idols. Oh,
and the full-sized wooden bear on the front porch. Did 1 forget
anything? Ah, yes; the big red steel mooring ball by the front
door, a gift from oAnn's brother, Cecil the sailor. Still, overall,
we live in a normal, regular sort of place, surrounded by endless
humanity for miles around. I'm out there mowing the yard and
working in my garage like everyone else. Few people around us
have any idea that our lives are any different from theirs. Few
people know our deep green secret. Maybe they will after this
book comes out. Oh, my.
1 do honestly believe that the key to success in this is to, no pun intended, start small. There's no need to rush around and gut your house, throw out your old life, and start over with everything all at once. We sure didn't. (And we're still changing things in our lives to do better and live smaller.) Pick one or two things to change, easy things, and give them a try. If you like
how that worked out, add a couple more. If you don't like how
that worked out, ask yourself what you can do that you willlike.
We all do what we can, but, yes, likes and dislikes are certainly a
big part of it. Some things might take a little getting used to, but
changes become habit over time. Small changes over time are
the key to success, 1 think. Big changes are a realleap of faith,
and much harder to get used to.
Looking back, 1 think we first started by recycling newspapers.
Then we changed out a few light bulbs. 1 bought a little
folding bike at the pawnshop downtown. Small things all, but
each change led to more change, and now here we are: a couple
of suburban green freaks. (Or so they say.) 1 still say we're fairly
normal, and ifyou met us on the street, you'd have no idea what
sort of lives we lead. 1 like that. 1 don't have to travel incognito.
N ot yet, aQ，vay. Maybe it's not so much suburban green as
suburban camouflage. Hidden green. Green does come in many
shades.
1 will say this, though, right up front: beware of "greenwashing."
Greenwashing is what happens when companies try to sell
you products by making them appear environmentally sensible
("green") when they are not. While you'll see 让in all manner of
commercial products and advertising, greenwashing is the most
glaring these days in the automotive industry and their TV commercials.
Let me just say this right here: as-thousand-pound
hybrid sport utility vehicle is not, in any way, shape or form, environmentally
sensible. lt's not green. lt just isn't, and no happy
woodsy TV commercial with little furry animals and soothing
acoustical guitar music is going to change that. No motor vehicle
is green, not even mine, and it really is green. (A dark, metallic
green.) C'est la vie. The greenest vehicle you can buy is a bicycle,
but even then, it sure used a lot of energy to make and deliver.
About the only way you can truly "go green" is to go walk barefoot.
I'm sorry. I'm not that green. Life is a balancing act. 1 have
my limits. 1 wear fashion shoes. Even if they're small.
You'll see that greenwashing being used to sell everything
from huge cars to the smallest widget spanner. lt seems as though
everyone and their free-range organic sock monkey has something
"green" to sell you these days. Green is the new black.
Green is the new buzz word in marketing just about everything,
and there's little in the way of law or conscience to stop advertisers
from marketing leaking tubs of burning toxic waste as
"green." Caveat emptor? You bet. Sometimes literally. Beware
the greenwash. You've been warned.
lame joke that gives this book its title. With all of the
interest we see these days in saving energy and resources, and
all of that talk about one's "carbon footprint" and "going green,"
few people point out the obvious: it works out best if you get by
with less. And that's what this book is all about: it's about living
your life using less energy and fewer resources, without adding
more of both to get by with less. Does that make sense to you?
It sure does to me.
So welcome to the world of living small. It has nothing to do
with height, although, yes, 1 am short, and everything to do with
leading a life of less conspicuous (and sometimes not so conspicuous)
consumption. You need to know this right up front,
though: This is not about sitting there all alone in a damp cardboard
box, reading someone else's discarded magazines by the
flickering light of an earwax candle. (And does that paint a dismal
picture or what?) This is about living your life as you live it
right now, but living it using just a little bit less. That's all I ask.
Yes, you are going to save some serious coin if you do even
a few of the things in this book. It would probab1y take very few
changes in your life to save the price of this book every month.
With a little more effort you might possibly save the price of this
book every week. Dare we hope for saving the price of the book
every day? A daunting task, but who am 1 to rule it out? For
many of us (yes, even me) , savings are first measured by the
money saved, and 1 don't have a problem with that. Money saved
represents both energy and resources saved, and that really is an
excellent way to track your progress.
This book is not about adding more things to your already
fulllife. It's not about having to rush right out and purchase all
the latest and greatest technology, all those wild and wonderful
gadgets - in other words, buying a lot to save a little. Modern
technology is a wonderful thing, but all of that modern technology
takes both power and resources to build, install and run.
(And, yes, to throw it away when it wears out.) This is not about
that at all. This is about the opposite of that. This is about leading
a simpler life. Your life, but simpler. This is more about planting
trees than having to cut those trees down to make room for your
new solar panels. AIso, 1 see no reason to go into debt to save
money. That seems somewhat counterproductive, doesn't it?
And you paid cash for this book, right? If not, we need to talk.
Chances are you can live your life as you're living 让right
now, but use less to get it all done. You can use less power and
water around the house, and use less fuel when you travel. You
can spend less, and still keep your routine. All you need is a
green routine. It takes surprisingly little effort to make a few
changes that will, over time, save you quite a bit of energy, resources
and, yes, money. These are things that take no more time or effort to do, but pay off in the long run because you 're using less as you do things just a little bit differently. And using less is better, right? Absolutely.
I'm not going to send you off to other books or web sites.
You need not write for additional information. These are all easy
things, simple changes, and they are all spelled out right here in
this book. This is it: this is your blueprint for a simpler life and
for saving yourself a bundle of time, energy and money. You can
have your life and save it, too.
Ah, but what about me? How small are my flat shoes? 1 usually
wear about a size 61h or so, but you also need to know that, yes,
1 really do all the things l've written about in this book. This
is my small life as 1 lead it these days, but l'm not doing this
all alone. The lovely }oAnn, my wonderful wife of over twenty
years, is just as zealous about living the smalllife (la vida teenie?)
as 1 am, and she handles our extensive recycling arrangements
with tremendous enthusiasm. And, yes, if you must know, she also wears
smaller shoes.
i ride my bicycle to work,just as my wife both rides and
walks to do much of what she does throughout her day. 飞Ne
also walk and ride for fun and exercise, but bicycles and
foot power get us many of the places we need to go on a
daily basis. That's not to say we don't drive. We do, we just try to not drive everywhere and are always on the lookout for new places to not drive to. Walkingout to dinner is a fun night out for us. (We're just a couple
of crazy wild kids, aren't we?) My best friend called me a reen
freak" a while back, but 1 don't really see it like that. These are
just things we do - sensible changes we have made over time
to live our lives the way we want to, and to save us time, energy,
and money along the way. We still spend the money we save, but
we spend it on things that are more fun. Paying the power bill is
not fun. The less 1 have to pay there, the better.
You also need to know that we do not live all alone out in
a cabin in the woods. We live in a perfectly normal house in
the middle of suburbia. Our house looks like every other house
around here. Well, mostly. There are those two green metal frogs
bolted to the outside walls, and the two big carved Tiki idols. Oh,
and the full-sized wooden bear on the front porch. Did 1 forget
anything? Ah, yes; the big red steel mooring ball by the front
door, a gift from oAnn's brother, Cecil the sailor. Still, overall,
we live in a normal, regular sort of place, surrounded by endless
humanity for miles around. I'm out there mowing the yard and
working in my garage like everyone else. Few people around us
have any idea that our lives are any different from theirs. Few
people know our deep green secret. Maybe they will after this
book comes out. Oh, my.
1 do honestly believe that the key to success in this is to, no pun intended, start small. There's no need to rush around and gut your house, throw out your old life, and start over with everything all at once. We sure didn't. (And we're still changing things in our lives to do better and live smaller.) Pick one or two things to change, easy things, and give them a try. If you like
how that worked out, add a couple more. If you don't like how
that worked out, ask yourself what you can do that you willlike.
We all do what we can, but, yes, likes and dislikes are certainly a
big part of it. Some things might take a little getting used to, but
changes become habit over time. Small changes over time are
the key to success, 1 think. Big changes are a realleap of faith,
and much harder to get used to.
Looking back, 1 think we first started by recycling newspapers.
Then we changed out a few light bulbs. 1 bought a little
folding bike at the pawnshop downtown. Small things all, but
each change led to more change, and now here we are: a couple
of suburban green freaks. (Or so they say.) 1 still say we're fairly
normal, and ifyou met us on the street, you'd have no idea what
sort of lives we lead. 1 like that. 1 don't have to travel incognito.
N ot yet, aQ，vay. Maybe it's not so much suburban green as
suburban camouflage. Hidden green. Green does come in many
shades.
1 will say this, though, right up front: beware of "greenwashing."
Greenwashing is what happens when companies try to sell
you products by making them appear environmentally sensible
("green") when they are not. While you'll see 让in all manner of
commercial products and advertising, greenwashing is the most
glaring these days in the automotive industry and their TV commercials.
Let me just say this right here: as-thousand-pound
hybrid sport utility vehicle is not, in any way, shape or form, environmentally
sensible. lt's not green. lt just isn't, and no happy
woodsy TV commercial with little furry animals and soothing
acoustical guitar music is going to change that. No motor vehicle
is green, not even mine, and it really is green. (A dark, metallic
green.) C'est la vie. The greenest vehicle you can buy is a bicycle,
but even then, it sure used a lot of energy to make and deliver.
About the only way you can truly "go green" is to go walk barefoot.
I'm sorry. I'm not that green. Life is a balancing act. 1 have
my limits. 1 wear fashion shoes. Even if they're small.
You'll see that greenwashing being used to sell everything
from huge cars to the smallest widget spanner. lt seems as though
everyone and their free-range organic sock monkey has something
"green" to sell you these days. Green is the new black.
Green is the new buzz word in marketing just about everything,
and there's little in the way of law or conscience to stop advertisers
from marketing leaking tubs of burning toxic waste as
"green." Caveat emptor? You bet. Sometimes literally. Beware
the greenwash. You've been warned.
The Sinful Persistence of Racism
This lnelnory becomes even lnore challen ging when we recognize the delnographic shifts taking place both in the United 5tates and in the Ron1an Catholic Church as we enter upon the third millennium. U.5. Census st atistics
present a picture of a very different American societ y and American Catholic
church, one in which persons of color,stylishplus as a whole, are the majority rather than the minority. Afri can Ameri can Catholics will be a part of this lna jorit which can be seen, depending on one's perspective, as threatening to the
ver y stability and identity of both church and state, or sÌ1nply as a sign of the changing times that must be dealt with.
These changes do provide a critical challenge for us as church to day as we
seek to affinn the new understandings of theology, mini strand liturgy that
are elnerging from persons heretofore marginalized on the church's peripher
.The developlnent of a black Catholic theology is only one exalnple of
these shifts in understanding that must be acknowledged and affirmed. This
theology was born out of the struggle to n1aintain both our Catholic faith
and our black culture, in the face of the racisn1 that still besets our church,
institutionally and individually. The Pontical Peace and Justice Commission
noted in 1989:
Today racism has not disappeared . There are even troubling new manifestat.
io ns of Ï.t here and there in vario us forms, be they spon taneo us,officially
to lerated or institutionalized. The victims are certain gro ups of persons
whose physical appearance or ethnic, cultural or religious characteristics
are different from those of the dominant group and are interpreted by the
latter as being signs of innate and definite inferiority, thereby justifying all
discriminatory practices in their regard.
Racisnl is a fact of life that continues to tonnent black Anlericans regardless
of their particular faith. It has its roots in the very fo undations of our
society where, in drafting the Constitution, the enslavement of blacks was
recognized and accepted. The revolutionary phrases of the founding fathers,
proclaiming liberty and justice for all and declaring the equality of all "lnen,"
ignored the condition of black hum a nit,A s the late Supreme Court Justice
Thurgood Marshall 110ted, "the famous first three words of that document,
'We the People,' did not include wonl en, who were denied the vote, or blacks,
who were e nsl aved. The intent was clearly expressed in the notification that
blacks counted as only three-fifths of a white person and then only for the
purpose of white male representation in the new Congress. The Constitution
of the United States of America was developed not as a color-blind document,
but as o ne assuring the hegelnony of white, propertied males over all
others living in the newly formed union.
Racism, today has changed its face. Rather than the blatant, overt racism
of prior year s, today we are confronted with a lnore sinister beca use it
is less visible form of covert racisln. Institutional racisnl "origina tes in the
operation of established and respected forces in the society and thus receives
far less public consideration. "
As such, institutional racisln is more than a fonn "sancti oned by the
Constitution and laws of a country ,I as the Vatican cOlnmission suggests.
For even after that Constitution has been expunged of its color bias and the
laws mandating segregation and second-class citizenship have been removed,
the aura of institutionalized racism still persists. It persists in the very warp
and woof of that society, which h as, for so long, been imbued with an ideology
supported all too often by an erroneous interpretation of the teachings
of sacred scripture.
present a picture of a very different American societ y and American Catholic
church, one in which persons of color,stylishplus as a whole, are the majority rather than the minority. Afri can Ameri can Catholics will be a part of this lna jorit which can be seen, depending on one's perspective, as threatening to the
ver y stability and identity of both church and state, or sÌ1nply as a sign of the changing times that must be dealt with.
These changes do provide a critical challenge for us as church to day as we
seek to affinn the new understandings of theology, mini strand liturgy that
are elnerging from persons heretofore marginalized on the church's peripher
.The developlnent of a black Catholic theology is only one exalnple of
these shifts in understanding that must be acknowledged and affirmed. This
theology was born out of the struggle to n1aintain both our Catholic faith
and our black culture, in the face of the racisn1 that still besets our church,
institutionally and individually. The Pontical Peace and Justice Commission
noted in 1989:
Today racism has not disappeared . There are even troubling new manifestat.
io ns of Ï.t here and there in vario us forms, be they spon taneo us,officially
to lerated or institutionalized. The victims are certain gro ups of persons
whose physical appearance or ethnic, cultural or religious characteristics
are different from those of the dominant group and are interpreted by the
latter as being signs of innate and definite inferiority, thereby justifying all
discriminatory practices in their regard.
Racisnl is a fact of life that continues to tonnent black Anlericans regardless
of their particular faith. It has its roots in the very fo undations of our
society where, in drafting the Constitution, the enslavement of blacks was
recognized and accepted. The revolutionary phrases of the founding fathers,
proclaiming liberty and justice for all and declaring the equality of all "lnen,"
ignored the condition of black hum a nit,A s the late Supreme Court Justice
Thurgood Marshall 110ted, "the famous first three words of that document,
'We the People,' did not include wonl en, who were denied the vote, or blacks,
who were e nsl aved. The intent was clearly expressed in the notification that
blacks counted as only three-fifths of a white person and then only for the
purpose of white male representation in the new Congress. The Constitution
of the United States of America was developed not as a color-blind document,
but as o ne assuring the hegelnony of white, propertied males over all
others living in the newly formed union.
Racism, today has changed its face. Rather than the blatant, overt racism
of prior year s, today we are confronted with a lnore sinister beca use it
is less visible form of covert racisln. Institutional racisnl "origina tes in the
operation of established and respected forces in the society and thus receives
far less public consideration. "
As such, institutional racisln is more than a fonn "sancti oned by the
Constitution and laws of a country ,I as the Vatican cOlnmission suggests.
For even after that Constitution has been expunged of its color bias and the
laws mandating segregation and second-class citizenship have been removed,
the aura of institutionalized racism still persists. It persists in the very warp
and woof of that society, which h as, for so long, been imbued with an ideology
supported all too often by an erroneous interpretation of the teachings
of sacred scripture.
SAND IN THEIR SHOES
GRAMPS was waiting in a kindergarten
classroom for the students to come in from the
playground. He had seen them lining up to come in from the
playground when he arrived to read to the class as a volunteer.Before too long he
heard the sound of their little voices in the hallway.They were supposed
to have, "quiet time," in the hall; but how could children in their
fìrst week ofkindergarten keep quiet?
Gramps did not have to wait long before
sweaty little boys and girls traipsed
into the classroom. A丘er some encouragement from their teacher, the
students found their desk and were fidgeting in their seats. When they
all were seated, then they were allowed to get a much needed drink, by
rows, to quench their thirst. Gramps requested the boys in each row
let the girls go first as that was the gentlemanly thing to do. Some boys
responded by letting the girls go first while others did not. Oh well,
politeness takes time and maybe before the end of the month they
would let the girls go first even though they did not let
their sisters go
first at home.
After
all the students had quenched their thirst and were seated at their desk, the
teacher introduced Gramps to her new kindergarten class. Gramps soon
found out the children were more interested in the sand in their
shoes from the playground than they were to meet him. He was not
surprised since this would be a daily occurrence as he had learned from
previous years. He once questioned.
"How can there be any sand left on the
playground judging from the amount they
carry into the classroom in their shoes?"
The students who had sand in their shoes
were allowed to go two at a time to empty
the sands out of their shoes and into the trash can by the teacher's
desk. Gramps took this opportunity to help those who could not tie
their shoes laces and to visit with them. During this time he found out some
very important information. One student informed him that part of
his shoes lace was missing because his dog had chewed on it. This caused
another student to inform Gramps his dog was missing part of
his ear; he thought the neighbor's cat ate it. one little girl then informed
Gramps her doll had short hair since she had given it a hair cut with
her new scissors her mom had bought her for school. Another young lad
told this tale as he sat on the floor emptying sand
out of his shoes.
"I
don't need help tying my shoes because my momma bought me
shoes with Velcro
because 1 don't know how to tie shoes. She had my cat de-clawed and
now we have piles in the yard because my cat can't dig a hole. My mom
told me to watch where 1 walk in the grass. You know cat stuff
smells bad."
As
Gramps continued helping tie shoe laces a丘er the
students
emptied the sand
out of their shoes, his knowledge increased as
each student had
to have their little chit chat. One young man told Gramps.
"I told my mom not to cry when she
brought me to the room or
it would make me
cry and that would embarrass me."
A little blue eyed girl informed Gramps
that her dog and cat
missed her and did
not want her to go to school because they had to stay outside in
the yard while she was gone. Another boy had to show Gramps the holes
in his socks. He went on to say."
My mom said no one would see the
holes in my socks since they were inside of my
shoes.
"As a little brown eyed sad faced girl
pulled off her shoes and emptied the sand
out she told Gramps.
"My cat Lucille climbed on the screen
door and tore a hole in it. My Dad said he
hoped the cat would run away; my cat is gone now so 1 guess it did."
When her friend heard her story, she had to
tell Gramps her dog just died; she
don't know why, it just did. Gramps continued helping the children with
their shoes as they removed the playground sand from them. Then he
heard a story he wish he had just listened and not asked a question.
A little dark eyed boy with a smile as big as the world told Gramps.
"My dog Duke has to stay outside all the
time."
Well Gramps just had to ask.
"Why?"
The little boy with the huge smile answered.
"Because he pooties all the time and slides his
behind on the
Carpet."
Gramps got his question answered. Won't he ever learn?
Gramps watched as a shy young man took off his shoes
and emptied sand in the trash can. He could tell he had something very important
to say. As Gramps tied his shoes, the young man whispered to Gramps.
"My Grandma hates my dog because he
digs in her flowers and
ro11s in the dirt
and Grandpa hates my cat because it never covers up what it does in
the yard. Grandpa said he knows the cat does it so he can watch him step
in it when he mows the grass."
While Gramps was busy tying one young man's
shoes, a litde girl was patiently
waiting for him to get done so he could fix her broken crayon. When she
showed it to him and asked him to fix it, he told her it could not be
fìxed. Litde tears filled her eyes as she said."My mom told me she would spank me ifI
did not take good care of my colors. She
said she would not buy anymore."
Gramps took the crayon and put it back
together with scotch tape.
He told her.
"When you see the fìrst star
toni如make a wish for a little fairy to buy you
some new crayons-m.”
When Gramps fìnished reading to the dass that day, he
stopped at a local store and bought a new box of crayons. While the students were
getting on the bus to go home, a linle fairy was in a certain kindergarten room
replacing a used box of crayons with a new box. As the fairy looked around the
room, he smiled when he saw broken crayons lying on a sandy floor. If the
janitors did not dean the room daily, the students would have enough sand from
their shoes in a week's time to build a sand casde under a broken crayon
rainbow. Broken crayons and sand in their shoes had given Gramps a great day
and a content smile on his face. He had learned a lot about children, pets,etc.
A Word from the Word on Character Qualities
As for biblical mandates where the wife of a pastor is concerned,
there are none save for the general requirements for that of a godly
woman and/ or helpmate (Prov. 31, Titus 2, Eph. 5, 1 Peter 3).
However, there is one verse listed among the qualifications of a
deacon that appears to reference his spouse. We won't debate here
whether this verse is addressed to a deacon's wife or deaconess, but it
stands to reason that this woman is a servant within the body and is
called upon to meet certain standards. I am referring to 1 Timothy
3:11 which reads, "Even so must their wives be grave, not slanderers,
sober, faithful in all things" (KJV).
In understanding the importance of embracing one's own personality
and giftedness, I have particularly benefited from the testimony of
Lois Evans (wife of Oak Cliff Bible Church's pastor, Dr. Tony Evans).
She is quick to credit her husband with giving her the freedom to
express herself within the body of Christ. Mrs. Evans shares openly
about the anxieties she faced in her beginning years of being the wife
of a senior pastor, a position she told God she never wanted. There
came a point when Tony set her free by telling her he only wanted her
to be herself. "I don't know why that was such a big deal," she says,
"but it brought me to a reality that yes, God created me to be me, and
even before He placed me in my mother's womb, He had a plan for my
life."3 I am so grateful to have a husband who also has given his blessing
for me to be a sanctified version of the girl he married loud mouth
and all.
I can honestly say we are each other's biggest cheerleader. Any
real or perceived expectations I felt to be anything more or different
never came from him. I have talked with many, many ministry wives
on this particular subject. Every single one of them has shared that her
husband's support and encouragement was paramount in her feeling
the freedom to be true to her calling and personality.
In addition to being calm and collected, there is further implication
of sobriety. The word also means "to be circumspect or heedful
of circumstances and potential consequences; prudent."4
Here is where we can all use a good warning: A woman of sobriety
is a woman of pause. She thinks before she acts. She prays before
she speaks. This is calm and collected in action. Let me give you an
example.
there are none save for the general requirements for that of a godly
woman and/ or helpmate (Prov. 31, Titus 2, Eph. 5, 1 Peter 3).
However, there is one verse listed among the qualifications of a
deacon that appears to reference his spouse. We won't debate here
whether this verse is addressed to a deacon's wife or deaconess, but it
stands to reason that this woman is a servant within the body and is
called upon to meet certain standards. I am referring to 1 Timothy
3:11 which reads, "Even so must their wives be grave, not slanderers,
sober, faithful in all things" (KJV).
In understanding the importance of embracing one's own personality
and giftedness, I have particularly benefited from the testimony of
Lois Evans (wife of Oak Cliff Bible Church's pastor, Dr. Tony Evans).
She is quick to credit her husband with giving her the freedom to
express herself within the body of Christ. Mrs. Evans shares openly
about the anxieties she faced in her beginning years of being the wife
of a senior pastor, a position she told God she never wanted. There
came a point when Tony set her free by telling her he only wanted her
to be herself. "I don't know why that was such a big deal," she says,
"but it brought me to a reality that yes, God created me to be me, and
even before He placed me in my mother's womb, He had a plan for my
life."3 I am so grateful to have a husband who also has given his blessing
for me to be a sanctified version of the girl he married loud mouth
and all.
I can honestly say we are each other's biggest cheerleader. Any
real or perceived expectations I felt to be anything more or different
never came from him. I have talked with many, many ministry wives
on this particular subject. Every single one of them has shared that her
husband's support and encouragement was paramount in her feeling
the freedom to be true to her calling and personality.
In addition to being calm and collected, there is further implication
of sobriety. The word also means "to be circumspect or heedful
of circumstances and potential consequences; prudent."4
Here is where we can all use a good warning: A woman of sobriety
is a woman of pause. She thinks before she acts. She prays before
she speaks. This is calm and collected in action. Let me give you an
example.
INTRODUCTION
"God is calling you to do what?n
Such was my reaction fifteen years ago when my husband, Luke,
told me he felt God was leading him into the gospel ministry. Even
though I supported him wholeheartedly, I naively believed this calling
was somehow just his gig. My job was simply to accompany him
while he did his "thing."
Reality didn't hit until a well-meaning gentleman enlightened
me on the expectations of a minister's wife. He said, "The best thing
you can do for Luke is learn how to play the piano. He'll have a
much easier time being called as a pastor of a church. Congregations
love it when the pastor's wife can contribute. It's like they are getting
two for one!" If I knew then what I know now, I would have had a
serious fight with the flesh to keep from sharing my thoughts on the
buy-one-get-one-free concept.
The restraint of the Holy Spirit is a beautiful thing.
Before that moment, it truly had not entered my mind that anyone
would expect anything of me, or that my lack of musical talent
could affect my husband's ((success" in ministry. I thought of my
childhood pastor's wife, a grim-faced woman whose hair was piled
high in a bun. Polyester skirts and sensible shoes were her standard
uniform. And, yes, she played the piano. Was this the person I must
become in order for God to use our family in ministry?
Talk about an Extreme Makeover!
We moved to Kentucky so Luke could attend Bible college. The
first thing I did was to begin comparing myself to every woman on
campus who no doubt was doing the exact same thing. The question
we were all asking ourselves? ((What in the world does a preacher's
wife do?" Our husbands were getting an education on how to become
ministers while we were left to wonder how we figured into the equation.
I found my answer in an overzealous, pharisaic overhaul of the
externals. I began wearing clothes I wouldn't have been caught dead
in before mostly suited for three times my twenty-two years of age.
I tamed my '80s hair. I calmed my type A personality by yielding
in conversation and becoming more reserved. I baked casseroles for
every surgery and every baby born. The word that guided my reinvention
was Martha. Not the Martha of Scripture, mind you, but
Martha Stewart. (Now that I think of it, there isn't much difference,
is there?"
It also did not help that the books I read about being a ministry
wife only reinforced my insecurities. The advice ranged from how to
brew a perfect cup of tea for a ladies' luncheon to how to organize a
large staff when hosting a dinner party. According to these books, I
was to be gracious at all times, keep a spotless home, and have welldressed,
obedient children. I'm certainly not criticizing these noble
aspirations, but even before children I was completely overwhelmed
at this picture of perfection. I don't agree with the busyness of our
culture, yet there is no use in denying I often fall prey to its trappings.
The truth is, I am a wife and mother deep in the trenches. The
only tea I brew is Lipton. And staff? Are you kidding me? If I ever
have a workforce at my disposal, they will be too busy doing laundry
to prepare a dinner for the deacons. And where do I begin with the
kids? Someone please tell me what to do with a child who sneaks his
Halloween costume under his clothes, strips off in the bathroom,
and shakes hands as Spiderman during the greeting song when he is
supposed to be in children's church. Susanna Wesley would definitely
not approve.
I can laugh now at all the crazy things I thought back in the day
and the pressure I put on myself and my family to be perfect, only
because I've done my time with the tears brought on by unrealistic
expectations from myself and others. It has taken years, but I thank
God for helping me recognize that my most important role is as a
helpmate to Luke and a loving mother to our children. In the midst
of molding me into a godlier wife and mom, He has also placed
the calling of minister's wife on my life, and thankfully nowhere in
Scripture does it say I have to play the piano, wear polyester, or host
the perfect party.
I wish I could give you a list of requirements that would make
you a great preacher's wife. The truth is, the obedience required in
exercising our individual gifts makes that list a very organic thing that
changes from one woman to the other. However, understanding that
we have many common experiences, there are many practical things I
have learned that I wish someone had told me in the beginning. I can't
help but think I wasted a lot of time worrying about what I appeared
to be instead of cultivating the gifts God gave the woman I truly
was. I could have avoided many a broken heart had I known the
difference between true friendship and selfish motivations. I could
have saved my kids some undue pressure by not placing the same
yoke of expectation on them that was a burden to me. I could have
been a better support to my husband by realizing Satan would attack
his ministry close to home.
In addition to addressing these topics and more, this book will
also give you insight from other ministry wives who understand the
delights and difficulties you face. One of the things we tend to lack
most is a "safe" friendship where we can pour our hearts out without
the fear of repercussion to someone walking our same road. Near the
end of each chapter, you will find a "Round Table," which contains
advice and comments from other women serving alongside their
husbands in capacities ranging from the senior pastorate to music
ministry to evangelism. These are excerpts from conversations on
my blog, The Preacher's Wife (www.APreachersWife.com), where
I invite you to visit for fresh, relevant discussions on ministry and
other fun topics. The end of this book includes several computer
links and resources to help you further explore the online community
and camaraderie available.
Our worldwide locations and denominations influence our
role "tides." Whether you are the preacher's wife, the pastor's wife,
the vicar's wife, or the wife of a man serving in some other area of
ministry, I want you to hear my heart when I tell you I've prayed
diligently for you during the writing of this book. I've asked God to
show me Scripture that will guide you through the many common
complexities we share. I've asked Him to reveal His heart to you and
that the experiences I share will resonate with your own. I've begged
Him to let this book be one that will give you righteous confidence
in the leadership role He has given you in your home and church.
By sharing what I've learned as the wife of a minister, I hope to
save you from the pitfalls I've experienced. To spare you a few years
of trial and error in relating to those you serve, to guard you from a
few heartaches, and to let you know you are not alone. To convince
you that your unique gifts and personality can translate into one
fantastic pastor's wife whether or not you are an outgoing hostess,
your flower beds are weeded, or you and the kids are on time for
Sunday school. I pray with all my heart that you know these chapters
overflow with a deep affection for those of you who are married to
the ministry.
Such was my reaction fifteen years ago when my husband, Luke,
told me he felt God was leading him into the gospel ministry. Even
though I supported him wholeheartedly, I naively believed this calling
was somehow just his gig. My job was simply to accompany him
while he did his "thing."
Reality didn't hit until a well-meaning gentleman enlightened
me on the expectations of a minister's wife. He said, "The best thing
you can do for Luke is learn how to play the piano. He'll have a
much easier time being called as a pastor of a church. Congregations
love it when the pastor's wife can contribute. It's like they are getting
two for one!" If I knew then what I know now, I would have had a
serious fight with the flesh to keep from sharing my thoughts on the
buy-one-get-one-free concept.
The restraint of the Holy Spirit is a beautiful thing.
Before that moment, it truly had not entered my mind that anyone
would expect anything of me, or that my lack of musical talent
could affect my husband's ((success" in ministry. I thought of my
childhood pastor's wife, a grim-faced woman whose hair was piled
high in a bun. Polyester skirts and sensible shoes were her standard
uniform. And, yes, she played the piano. Was this the person I must
become in order for God to use our family in ministry?
Talk about an Extreme Makeover!
We moved to Kentucky so Luke could attend Bible college. The
first thing I did was to begin comparing myself to every woman on
campus who no doubt was doing the exact same thing. The question
we were all asking ourselves? ((What in the world does a preacher's
wife do?" Our husbands were getting an education on how to become
ministers while we were left to wonder how we figured into the equation.
I found my answer in an overzealous, pharisaic overhaul of the
externals. I began wearing clothes I wouldn't have been caught dead
in before mostly suited for three times my twenty-two years of age.
I tamed my '80s hair. I calmed my type A personality by yielding
in conversation and becoming more reserved. I baked casseroles for
every surgery and every baby born. The word that guided my reinvention
was Martha. Not the Martha of Scripture, mind you, but
Martha Stewart. (Now that I think of it, there isn't much difference,
is there?"
It also did not help that the books I read about being a ministry
wife only reinforced my insecurities. The advice ranged from how to
brew a perfect cup of tea for a ladies' luncheon to how to organize a
large staff when hosting a dinner party. According to these books, I
was to be gracious at all times, keep a spotless home, and have welldressed,
obedient children. I'm certainly not criticizing these noble
aspirations, but even before children I was completely overwhelmed
at this picture of perfection. I don't agree with the busyness of our
culture, yet there is no use in denying I often fall prey to its trappings.
The truth is, I am a wife and mother deep in the trenches. The
only tea I brew is Lipton. And staff? Are you kidding me? If I ever
have a workforce at my disposal, they will be too busy doing laundry
to prepare a dinner for the deacons. And where do I begin with the
kids? Someone please tell me what to do with a child who sneaks his
Halloween costume under his clothes, strips off in the bathroom,
and shakes hands as Spiderman during the greeting song when he is
supposed to be in children's church. Susanna Wesley would definitely
not approve.
I can laugh now at all the crazy things I thought back in the day
and the pressure I put on myself and my family to be perfect, only
because I've done my time with the tears brought on by unrealistic
expectations from myself and others. It has taken years, but I thank
God for helping me recognize that my most important role is as a
helpmate to Luke and a loving mother to our children. In the midst
of molding me into a godlier wife and mom, He has also placed
the calling of minister's wife on my life, and thankfully nowhere in
Scripture does it say I have to play the piano, wear polyester, or host
the perfect party.
I wish I could give you a list of requirements that would make
you a great preacher's wife. The truth is, the obedience required in
exercising our individual gifts makes that list a very organic thing that
changes from one woman to the other. However, understanding that
we have many common experiences, there are many practical things I
have learned that I wish someone had told me in the beginning. I can't
help but think I wasted a lot of time worrying about what I appeared
to be instead of cultivating the gifts God gave the woman I truly
was. I could have avoided many a broken heart had I known the
difference between true friendship and selfish motivations. I could
have saved my kids some undue pressure by not placing the same
yoke of expectation on them that was a burden to me. I could have
been a better support to my husband by realizing Satan would attack
his ministry close to home.
In addition to addressing these topics and more, this book will
also give you insight from other ministry wives who understand the
delights and difficulties you face. One of the things we tend to lack
most is a "safe" friendship where we can pour our hearts out without
the fear of repercussion to someone walking our same road. Near the
end of each chapter, you will find a "Round Table," which contains
advice and comments from other women serving alongside their
husbands in capacities ranging from the senior pastorate to music
ministry to evangelism. These are excerpts from conversations on
my blog, The Preacher's Wife (www.APreachersWife.com), where
I invite you to visit for fresh, relevant discussions on ministry and
other fun topics. The end of this book includes several computer
links and resources to help you further explore the online community
and camaraderie available.
Our worldwide locations and denominations influence our
role "tides." Whether you are the preacher's wife, the pastor's wife,
the vicar's wife, or the wife of a man serving in some other area of
ministry, I want you to hear my heart when I tell you I've prayed
diligently for you during the writing of this book. I've asked God to
show me Scripture that will guide you through the many common
complexities we share. I've asked Him to reveal His heart to you and
that the experiences I share will resonate with your own. I've begged
Him to let this book be one that will give you righteous confidence
in the leadership role He has given you in your home and church.
By sharing what I've learned as the wife of a minister, I hope to
save you from the pitfalls I've experienced. To spare you a few years
of trial and error in relating to those you serve, to guard you from a
few heartaches, and to let you know you are not alone. To convince
you that your unique gifts and personality can translate into one
fantastic pastor's wife whether or not you are an outgoing hostess,
your flower beds are weeded, or you and the kids are on time for
Sunday school. I pray with all my heart that you know these chapters
overflow with a deep affection for those of you who are married to
the ministry.
Growing up a princess! (Vs. a superhero)
Little girls love to be noticed by their daddy's and to be told how
pretty and lovely they are. If you go to a children's section of a sto re, you
will even find princess costumes to help a little girl fulfill her princess
dreams. When a little girl gets healthy attention from her daddy, she
shines brighter than any star. As little girls are nurtured and grow, their
daddy's continually remind them through their attention and interactions
that they are more precious than any riches the world could provide. They
are a like a pearl!
As we grow up, we continue to want to feel precious and lovely and have
others see us in this way. We often seek this attention in the young men
that we find attractive. I bring this up so that you can stop for a moment
and reflect on what you may be getting out of your relationships.
What do you want from these young men in your life?
Do you want companionship, friendship, or do you want somebody to
make you feel beautiful?
If you are looking for the latter, I'm afraid to tell you that you are looking in the wrong place.
They often don't feel like they know who they are as individuals. During the time that they should have been figuring out the "me", they just jumped from one "we" to the next. The great thing is this is one of the decisions in your life that you truly are in control of and have time on your side. I know patience
can be one of the most difficult disciplines to master, but you have time.
There n1ay be n1any things that life may throw at you that do not allow
any tin1e to adjust to and that you just simply don't have a choice about.
Parents announcing they are getting a divorce, being told that you have a
life threatening illness, or having a close friend move away. You may not
have a choice in any of these types of decisions, so embrace the choices that
you do have. To become who God has created you to become.
pretty and lovely they are. If you go to a children's section of a sto re, you
will even find princess costumes to help a little girl fulfill her princess
dreams. When a little girl gets healthy attention from her daddy, she
shines brighter than any star. As little girls are nurtured and grow, their
daddy's continually remind them through their attention and interactions
that they are more precious than any riches the world could provide. They
are a like a pearl!
As we grow up, we continue to want to feel precious and lovely and have
others see us in this way. We often seek this attention in the young men
that we find attractive. I bring this up so that you can stop for a moment
and reflect on what you may be getting out of your relationships.
What do you want from these young men in your life?
Do you want companionship, friendship, or do you want somebody to
make you feel beautiful?
If you are looking for the latter, I'm afraid to tell you that you are looking in the wrong place.
They often don't feel like they know who they are as individuals. During the time that they should have been figuring out the "me", they just jumped from one "we" to the next. The great thing is this is one of the decisions in your life that you truly are in control of and have time on your side. I know patience
can be one of the most difficult disciplines to master, but you have time.
There n1ay be n1any things that life may throw at you that do not allow
any tin1e to adjust to and that you just simply don't have a choice about.
Parents announcing they are getting a divorce, being told that you have a
life threatening illness, or having a close friend move away. You may not
have a choice in any of these types of decisions, so embrace the choices that
you do have. To become who God has created you to become.
Plain And Sin1ple Hearts
Valentine's Day broke the boredom of Iowa's grueling winter.
As soon as the showy cards appeared in the window of the Ben
Franklin Five-and-Dime, Shirley and I hurried in to make our
selections.
Back home, we sorted our cards, choosing the appropriate
verse for the teacher and for each classmate. We were careful
about the messages on the cards for boys. Valentine Greetings
was safe, but Please Be Mine would give a boy the impression
we liked him.
When I was in Fifth Grade, I came home from school one
day and Ma greeted me with the announcement, "I got a bargain
on Valentines. This big package for only a dollar."
That she had chosen our cards was bad enough, but when
I saw them I knew Valentine's Day was ruined. The cards had
no lacy frills, no lollipops stuck in slots, no crinkly hearts that
unfolded when you opened the card, no Cupids aiming arrows.
When delivering baskets, the idea was to place the gift at the
door, ring the doorbell and then run before the recipient could
catch you. How fast did you run? Like a turtle if you wanted to
be kissed by a certain person of the opposite sex; like a gazelle
if you wanted to avoid a kiss. What I can't recall is how we
ever found anyone horne. We were all dashing about making
deliveries; we must have run into each.
Many of our friends were neighbors, but for those farther
away Poppy drove us on our rounds. One time my cousin Bonnie
delivered a basket to me while we were eating supper. She carne
inside, but I couldn't get up fast enough to chase her. Instead,
she slipped around the table and planted a kiss on me.
I harbor a fear that some major company will rediscover May
Basket Day and mar its simplicity with commercial baskets,
cards, and trinkets. To ward off that calamity, please do not
share this article with anyone who might be in cahoots with
such a manufacturer. Think Hallmark.
The second Sunday in May is Mother's Day, one day a year
allotted to honor our mothers. In my youth, Catholics devoted
the entire month to our heavenly Mother, The Blessed Virgin
Mary. At horne, we created a shrine, complete with a statue
of Mary, a vigil candle, and fresh or plastic flowers. We were
supposed to daily kneel at the shrine and say the rosary. I
probably didn't do that.
Our church held its Crowning of the May Queen (Mary) on
Mother's Day afternoon. All school age children were required
to participate. If you failed to show up, without good reason, you
were doomed to hell, so said the nuns. This fiery punishment also
awaited children who refused to serve Mass or sing in choir.
BEAUTIFUL SHOES, UGLY FEET IT
IT WAS a Monday morning during the worst recession in US history
since the Great Depression, but no one would know it the day I visited
1022 Shoe, the high-end, fantasyland designer shoe boutique at
Saks Fifth Avenue in Manhattan. To get there, I hurried past the
makeup counters on the first floor and dashed into the express elevator-
the one that stops only on the eighth floor-just as the doors
were sliding shut. A moment later I stepped out, and behold! I was
greeted by a kaleidoscopic array of Christian Louboutin patent
leather peep-toe pumps. One pair was robin's egg blue; the next was
maraschino cherry red. Others beckoned in bubblegum pink, sunflower
yellow, and seafoam green. Oh, and look over on the other
side of the display-there was also an animal print option in shades
ofbrown, beige, and black.
Jimmy Choo, Yves Saint Laurent, Chanel, Oscar de la Renta,
Dior, Valentino, Dolce & Gabbana-the names don't really matter.
All the shoes in 1022 Shoe-the strappy sandals, the slingbacks, the
closed-back pumps-looked more or less the same. The style formula
of the season: high, thin stiletto heel; covered platform of an inch;
pointy, open toe; colors that were bright, patent leather, metallic,
and/or psychedelic. Sometimes a rosette or bow added an extra decorative
touch. These shoes were gorgeous, extravagant, fantastical.
They were works of art; they transformed the wearer into a princess,
a sexy goddess.
And the prices-$695, $1,025, $1,575. Even if a woman could
afford the price tags without blinking, the shoes were audaciously
impractical. Who could stand in them for more than a few minutes,
let alone walk in them? The heels were five inches high and so, so
slender. The part of the heel that touches the ground was as wide in
circumference as a single Cheerio. The words "hobble"and "cripple"
popped into my mind. Even the boots were nonfunctional: most had open toes.
They were also oozing with sex appeal. The heels were
so high and the shoes themselves so open and revealing,
I imagined that only strippers and other sex workers
could wear them without irony. These shoes looked like
they belonged on the set of a pornographic video.
It's okay to wear stilettos for a few hours once or twice a week at a
party, date, or special event. I am not telling you to haul a bag filled
with all your heels to the Salvation Army. Even if I did, you wouldn't
listen. So keep your heels. But know this: it is foolish to wear them
when you will be walking or standing for long periods of time, and
it is downright dim-witted to wear them all day, every day, for years
on end. If you choose to ignore these warnings, the day will comemaybe
next year, perhaps in five or ten-when you will wake up in
pain. You will look back at your years of bad decisions and wonder:
nMy god, what have I done?"
In Sex and the Ci!Jl, Carrie and her friends pound the Manhattan
pavement in stilettos very similar to the offerings at Saks-shoes with
itty- bitty toe boxes, zero arch support, inhumanly narrow foot beds,
and a slope that forces feet forward so that you have no choice but to
walk on the balls of your feet. For me, the mystery is not if they live
happily ever after but whether or not they develop bunions (when the
big toe shifts angle, pointing toward the little toes instead of straight
forward) and hammertoes (when toes curl down), among other nasty
afflictions.
My belief is that if a woman knows full well that wearing her favorite
shoes may lead to hammertoes and bunions, and she makes this choice
with informed consent, that is her decision. However, most women are
not informed and therefore put their feet at risk for the sake of fashion
and beauty without even realizing what they are doing.
In all seriousness, I suggest that pointy- toed, high-heeled shoes
come with a warning printed on the shoe box, just as with cigarettes:
"These shoes are a health hazard. Wearing them for prolonged periods
on a regular basis may lead to deformity, pain, and ugly feet. Your
Achilles tendons may shorten, making it impossible to wear flats even
if you want to. Wear with caution."
Many people mistakenly believe that the way
celebrities live is attainable for the rest of us. But
stars are not like us, even if paparazzi capture them
at the market buying the same cereal we eat. Too
many otherwise sensible women foolishly deduce
that since Susan Sarandon gave birth at forty-six
and Geena Davis at forty- eight, they too will be
able to conceive beyond their peak reproductive
years. Just because we see celebrities in stilettos on
red carpets at award shows and premieres does not mean that the rest
of us can or should wear the same shoes on a regular basis.
Today there is an urgent need to educate women to make smart
footwear choices because of two current trends.
First, today many women consider extremely high heels to be an
indispensable part of their wardrobe, and they don't just save these
shoes for special occasions; they wear them all day, every day. High
heels worn to work and around town are nothing new, of course, but
now dizzying heights are taken for granted as (!normal." In previous
years, a three-and-a-half-inch heel was ooh la la. Now that height is
categorized as ''medium height" and women feel pressured to go as
high as five inches.
When I visited the Jimmy Chao boutique on Madison Avenue in
Manhattan, I picked up a pair of slingbacks with obscenely high heels
(and no platform) and turned to the saleswoman. "Over five inches,"
she reported. "Can you walk in these?" I asked her. "I can't," she said.
Another pair on display had a three-anda-half-inch heel. !That's the mediumheightheel," the saleswoman told me, without a trace of irony. ''That one people can walk in. "
Many women turn to flip - flops because their fee·
hurt after hours in heels. They mistakenly believe tha
flip-flops are like medicine to soothe their aching feet
They could not be more wrong. The lack of support ir
this type of sandal causes the foot to move and roll
leading to multiple injuries and problems, such as the painful heel
condition called plantar fasciitis. Since flip - flops remain fashionable
and trendy-with millions choosing to wear them when walking and
even bicycling-it is critical that women be educated about the damage
they are doing to their feet. Flip- flops belong at the beach or
pool, and for a half-hour after a woman paints her toenails and isn't
going anywhere anyway-and that's it.
A few hours later, after the shower is over and Carrie is preparing
to leave, she returns to the foyer-only to discover that her beloved,
bejeweled shoes are missing! Someone has stolen her Manolos! Kyra
does not show any empathy. She loans Carrie black, androgynous,
wom-in canvas sneakers to wear home. In the following days, Carrie
continues to be disturbed about her loss and pesters Kyra to see if the
shoes turn up. They don't. Carrie has hundreds of other pairs of
shoes, but she feels incomplete without this particular pair. Kyra offers
to replace them for her, but is aghast and judgmental when she discovers
that Carrie's shoes cost $485. To Kyra, that is an irresponsible
amount of money to spend on shoes for oneself. Kyra determines,
therefore, that she is not responsible for replacing such an extravagance.
Carrie wonders if Kyra is correct. Perhaps she has made an existential
error in choosing the single, childless lifestyle (in which she
doesn't have to spend money on anyone but herself) instead of Kyra' s
traditional path of husband and babies. Ultimately, Carrie rejects this
interpretation. Since she has always been a loyal friend who buys gifts
for others when they marry and give birth, she decides that she, too, is
deserving of gifts. Carrie registers for her missing shoes at the Manolo
Blahnik boutique, in effect announcing that she is marrying herself,
and leaves a message on Kyra's machine to let her know.
THE HOLIDAYS BEGIN
It seemed impossible;when everybody had worded so hard,
that the pageant should hang fire at Easter,but it did.By
the beginning of the holidays every scene was written,nobody
had lost their place in form,all the half-crowns were paid in,
and Phoebe looked like winning them.She had finished the term top
of her form,and,though she had not been top all the term,she had
done better than anybody else,so if she did as well next term the
half-crowns were as good as hers.
What delayed the pageant preparations was rumours
of peace in Europe.The war had been going on so long that Benjamin
and Augustus were born during it,and Phoebe had been too small to
know what peace was like.THe twins talked as if they remembered a
lot but it was mostly talk.Selina and John could remember,but even
they did not remember a celebration,and,though John had helped a bit
with decorating for that,he had been too small to be much use.
Now such celebrations as they had neverdreamed of were planned,A
monster bonfire on the hill.Fireworks.A torchlilght procession and as
well of course,there were decorations. Apart from arranging how to decorate
their own house,as a family they were in great demand:they gave advice
and help to half the village.
The delay in the pageant arrangements drew Selina and Sally together.
Even when there was peace in Europe it did notseem likely that there would
be parties and dances.
'There will still be food difficulties,darings,and transport,and,in the
winter,heating.'Mrs Andrews explained.'i don't think you should count on
too much even when the war really ends and the Japanese are beaten.'
that the pageant should hang fire at Easter,but it did.By
the beginning of the holidays every scene was written,nobody
had lost their place in form,all the half-crowns were paid in,
and Phoebe looked like winning them.She had finished the term top
of her form,and,though she had not been top all the term,she had
done better than anybody else,so if she did as well next term the
half-crowns were as good as hers.
What delayed the pageant preparations was rumours
of peace in Europe.The war had been going on so long that Benjamin
and Augustus were born during it,and Phoebe had been too small to
know what peace was like.THe twins talked as if they remembered a
lot but it was mostly talk.Selina and John could remember,but even
they did not remember a celebration,and,though John had helped a bit
with decorating for that,he had been too small to be much use.
Now such celebrations as they had neverdreamed of were planned,A
monster bonfire on the hill.Fireworks.A torchlilght procession and as
well of course,there were decorations. Apart from arranging how to decorate
their own house,as a family they were in great demand:they gave advice
and help to half the village.
The delay in the pageant arrangements drew Selina and Sally together.
Even when there was peace in Europe it did notseem likely that there would
be parties and dances.
'There will still be food difficulties,darings,and transport,and,in the
winter,heating.'Mrs Andrews explained.'i don't think you should count on
too much even when the war really ends and the Japanese are beaten.'
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