INTRODUCTION

    "God is calling you to do what?n
    Such was my reaction fifteen years ago when my husband, Luke,
told me he felt God was leading him into the gospel ministry. Even
though I supported him wholeheartedly, I naively believed this calling
was somehow just his gig. My job was simply to accompany him
while he did his "thing."
    Reality didn't hit until a well-meaning gentleman enlightened
me on the expectations of a minister's wife. He said, "The best thing
you can do for Luke is learn how to play the piano. He'll have a
much easier time being called as a pastor of a church. Congregations
love it when the pastor's wife can contribute. It's like they are getting
two for one!" If I knew then what I know now, I would have had a
serious fight with the flesh to keep from sharing my thoughts on the
buy-one-get-one-free concept.
    The restraint of the Holy Spirit is a beautiful thing.
    Before that moment, it truly had not entered my mind that anyone
would expect anything of me, or that my lack of musical talent
could affect my husband's ((success" in ministry. I thought of my
    childhood pastor's wife, a grim-faced woman whose hair was piled
high in a bun. Polyester skirts and sensible shoes were her standard
uniform. And, yes, she played the piano. Was this the person I must
become in order for God to use our family in ministry?
    Talk about an Extreme Makeover!
    We moved to Kentucky so Luke could attend Bible college. The
first thing I did was to begin comparing myself to every woman on
campus who no doubt was doing the exact same thing. The question
we were all asking ourselves? ((What in the world does a preacher's
wife do?" Our husbands were getting an education on how to become
ministers while we were left to wonder how we figured into the equation.
I found my answer in an overzealous, pharisaic overhaul of the
externals. I began wearing clothes I wouldn't have been caught dead
in before mostly suited for three times my twenty-two years of age.
I tamed my '80s hair. I calmed my type A personality by yielding
in conversation and becoming more reserved. I baked casseroles for
every surgery and every baby born. The word that guided my reinvention
was Martha. Not the Martha of Scripture, mind you, but
Martha Stewart. (Now that I think of it, there isn't much difference,
is there?"
    It also did not help that the books I read about being a ministry
wife only reinforced my insecurities. The advice ranged from how to
brew a perfect cup of tea for a ladies' luncheon to how to organize a
large staff when hosting a dinner party. According to these books, I
was to be gracious at all times, keep a spotless home, and have welldressed,
obedient children. I'm certainly not criticizing these noble
aspirations, but even before children I was completely overwhelmed
at this picture of perfection. I don't agree with the busyness of our
culture, yet there is no use in denying I often fall prey to its trappings.
The truth is, I am a wife and mother deep in the trenches. The
only tea I brew is Lipton. And staff? Are you kidding me? If I ever
have a workforce at my disposal, they will be too busy doing laundry
to prepare a dinner for the deacons. And where do I begin with the
kids? Someone please tell me what to do with a child who sneaks his
Halloween costume under his clothes, strips off in the bathroom,
and shakes hands as Spiderman during the greeting song when he is
supposed to be in children's church. Susanna Wesley would definitely
not approve.
    I can laugh now at all the crazy things I thought back in the day
and the pressure I put on myself and my family to be perfect, only
because I've done my time with the tears brought on by unrealistic
expectations from myself and others. It has taken years, but I thank
God for helping me recognize that my most important role is as a
helpmate to Luke and a loving mother to our children. In the midst
of molding me into a godlier wife and mom, He has also placed
the calling of minister's wife on my life, and thankfully nowhere in
Scripture does it say I have to play the piano, wear polyester, or host
the perfect party.
    I wish I could give you a list of requirements that would make
you a great preacher's wife. The truth is, the obedience required in
exercising our individual gifts makes that list a very organic thing that
changes from one woman to the other. However, understanding that
we have many common experiences, there are many practical things I
have learned that I wish someone had told me in the beginning. I can't
help but think I wasted a lot of time worrying about what I appeared
to be instead of cultivating the gifts God gave the woman I truly
was. I could have avoided many a broken heart had I known the
difference between true friendship and selfish motivations. I could
have saved my kids some undue pressure by not placing the same
yoke of expectation on them that was a burden to me. I could have
been a better support to my husband by realizing Satan would attack
his ministry close to home.
   In addition to addressing these topics and more, this book will
also give you insight from other ministry wives who understand the
delights and difficulties you face. One of the things we tend to lack
most is a "safe" friendship where we can pour our hearts out without
the fear of repercussion to someone walking our same road. Near the
end of each chapter, you will find a "Round Table," which contains
advice and comments from other women serving alongside their
husbands in capacities ranging from the senior pastorate to music
ministry to evangelism. These are excerpts from conversations on
my blog, The Preacher's Wife (www.APreachersWife.com), where
I invite you to visit for fresh, relevant discussions on ministry and
other fun topics. The end of this book includes several computer
links and resources to help you further explore the online community
and camaraderie available.
    Our worldwide locations and denominations influence our
role "tides." Whether you are the preacher's wife, the pastor's wife,
the vicar's wife, or the wife of a man serving in some other area of
ministry, I want you to hear my heart when I tell you I've prayed
diligently for you during the writing of this book. I've asked God to
show me Scripture that will guide you through the many common
complexities we share. I've asked Him to reveal His heart to you and
that the experiences I share will resonate with your own. I've begged
Him to let this book be one that will give you righteous confidence
in the leadership role He has given you in your home and church.
    By sharing what I've learned as the wife of a minister, I hope to
save you from the pitfalls I've experienced. To spare you a few years
of trial and error in relating to those you serve, to guard you from a
few heartaches, and to let you know you are not alone. To convince
you that your unique gifts and personality can translate into one
fantastic pastor's wife whether or not you are an outgoing hostess,
your flower beds are weeded, or you and the kids are on time for
Sunday school. I pray with all my heart that you know these chapters
overflow with a deep affection for those of you who are married to
the ministry.